Marriage Counseling
by Swordmouse
Summary: Two entirely different species, different cultures, different planets, originating multiple galaxies apart- of COURSE they had issues. There were bets on how long it would be before one killed the other. Dib chose to seek help. ZADR! One-shot written a while ago (Old!)


**Warnings! Implied ZADR and THIS IS OLD! **

**Seriously. I found this thing sitting a couple places from the bottom of my iPod's notes. My thoughts were, "Well, I feel like I need to be more active here again, and it's certainly not near so bad it can't be posted, so I'll slap an ending on it and see if anyone likes it." It's just that my writting skills have improved since this.**

**This is one of the incredibly rare times, when I will actually prefer if you don't offer a critique. Normally I LOVE politely worded constructive criticism, and will ask for it again and again to better my writing skills, however due to how old this is, I already know what's wrong with it thanks to some skill improvement points. I didnt fix it because some of the things I didn't like were at the base of the story and I didn't have time for a total re-write. I polished it up, and now offer it for your amusement. If you like it, great, if you don't, I understand.**

**So, enjoy?**

**~•~•~•~•~•~**

"This was all Dib's idea! This is completely unnecessary and stupid! Zim is not paying you for your lies inferior human servant! I just want to go hoooommmme!"

During the entire voot ride over, Zim had complained away to Dib about anything he could think of, and had insisted he would not say a word to this so called 'counselor.'

Over and over he had told Dib he was furious about this ordeal, yet now that they were in the room, Zim was NOT being stubbornly silent as he'd said he would be, and was arguing loudly with anything he could possibly find to argue about, and shouting obscenities when he could think of no more to say. He also had Dib trapped in a constricting, possessive, death-hug, leaning into his human's side as if Dib were a throw pillow, snuggling into him, all the while telling Dib how angry he was with him for this whole ordeal. Major mixed signals.

Zim also insisted that if they had problems, it was clearly Dib's fault, because he was the amazing Zim.

Dib had responded that that viewpoint was part of why they were going to this human for help.

Yes, it was a human female now sitting across the room from them on one of the brightly colored, absurdly comfortable chairs. During the few months since the Irken and human had made things official; Some of Gaz's teenage gamer friends had even thrown them a surprise ceremony/party/'wedding'(?) and they'd had to listen to the girls squealing about how cute they were together the whole time; but during that time Dib had discovered through research from Zim's computer that relationships between different intelligent species were surprisingly common, not only out in intergalactic space empires, but even here on earth. Dib of all people was certainly aware of all the strange 'paranormal' races of earth.

He'd been both startled and relieved when searching the internet, to have found someone who apparently knew the importance of adding on their webpage in big, bold font, that they had experience with relationships between both humans, and non-human-intelligences, and would work with them just like any normal human couple, with no extra fees.

Dib had needed to drive Zim's Voot cruiser, disguised as a car, all the way to Roswell New Mexico, but he was just glad to have found someone they could work with.

Dib made little effort to squirm away from the alien practically clinging to him, just trying to answer the counselor's most basic questions in between his mate's irate screaming. He was unspeakably grateful that the woman was ignoring Zim as if used to this sort of thing.

The alien in the meantime, was digging his claws into the human as if his life depended on it, almost positive that this revolting female was going to either kidnap his human and take Dib for herself somehow, turn Zim in to the authorities as an alien, or maybe experiment on both of them. He fixed her with his most vicious, unnaturally furious glare and snarled like a wild dog. She aknowledged him with an overly patient smile before going back to talking to Dib about privacy policies and other legal matters before they could start the actual counseling session. Being ignored only made Zim absolutely furious and he started yelling and screaming and thrashing, throwing an all out tantrum. By the time Dib had pinned his arms and yelled at him, eventually calming the alien down, the couch they'd been sitting on could no longer be considered furniture as much as it was a mass of shreds and stuffing. Zombie-couch. Zim needed to trim his claws.

"Don't worry about it," The woman assured the fretting Dib when he apologized and asked hesitantly if he was going to have to pay for damages.

"It's not the first time it's happened. I've learned not to keep anything valuable in here. It's amazing what you can pick up for free from street-corners and garage-sales."

Laughing nervously, Dib nodded, and hugged Zim to himself tighter, more to restrain the alien then to seem affectionate, having already moved to a different sofa. Zim was back to clinging to his mate, hissing and snarling at the female who'd introduced herself as Melody at some point.

"Now, I think we can begin." Picking up a clipboard and pen from a nearby desk, the counselor clicked the pen and Zim hissed as if she'd cocked a gun at him.

"We can start with you if you'd like Zim."

"DON'T THREATEN ME HUMAN!"

Melody held up a hand in a sort of 'calm down' gesture.

"It wasn't meant to be a threat, I just thought you might like something to do. I just need to ask a few questions to help you two out."

Zim narrowed his eyes and said nothing.

"Now, are you two officially married, or mates, or whatever you'd like to call it, or just living togeth-"

"DIB IS MINE!" Zim shrieked and dug his claws deeper into the human, who winced and grumbled about it, but still didn't push him away.

"We haven't had a legal, normal, earth marriage, no; I'm afraid it would cause political problems with Zim's kind being different from humans as far as sexes and genders-"

"DIB IS MIIINNNE! MINE!"

The Irken started chewing on his human's arm, giving Melody a challenging look.

"Can you please stop interrupting me Zim?"

Zim growled and continued chewing on his mate's arm. Dib gave a long sigh.

"Aaaannyway, Zim seems more like a 'he', at least as far as voice goes... When his translator is set to English anyway, and his disguise was made to make him appear like a human male. So like I said, politics. We had our own little ceremony with my sister and a few of her freinds, neither of us have many relatives or freinds we could have invited, and my father is too neglectful to care that I was commiting my life to someone and he didn't even know who it was. We treat it like the normal marriage though, more or less, I suppose."

"Dib is mine." Zim repeated, this time adding with "Until he DIIIEEEESSSS."

"I see," Melody wrote something down quickly, then looked back up.

"I'll need to know a little more about some behavioral traits of Zim's kind, if you won't mind me asking. I've already told you that none of this leaves this room, no one else is informed, and Zim's identity is perfectly safe, you have that certified on the papers, yes?"

Dib nodded, then looked to Zim waiting for for the alien affected to make the decision. Zim made no response, not seeming to have been paying attention, distracted by a loose thread on Dib's shirt and pulling at it angrily.

"Zim?"

Upon being addressed, the Irken jerked his head up to glare at the female.

Melody looked him over briefly, having enough experience with aliens like Zim, or rather, immature people, to make a good enough conversation starter.

"I'm guessing from the look of you that you're a pretty good fighter."

Zim took it like a compliment from an enemy.

"Yes. I could kill you in two seconds with my bare hands, right now."

"Do you have a more 'military' background?"

Zim narrowed his eyes. He didn't like the female's prying, but at least he could use the subject of the conversation to threaten her. He huffed snootily and lifted his head, looking down his non-existent nose at her.

"Irkens are the most well-known conquerors in multiple galaxies PIG-girl-cow-...thing!"

"Are you now?" She seemed to find this important enough to make some more notes.

"Yes."

"What do you think that was caused by? A preditorial ancestry maybe? Difficult survival on your planet? Did other races ever threaten to enslave or destroy yours?"

Zim smirked all too proudly at the preditorial ancestry part, but when she dared even suggest that the mighty Irken race might have been threatened by another species he snarled at her again, lip curling back to show his sharp teeth in a surprisingly primitive, vague sort of threat.

Dib raised an eyebrow at the Irken.

'He must be nervous.' He thought to himself. 'He only makes all those animal noises when he feels cornered, and he's been doing it non-stop. Guarantee and psychology or not, I really don't know how helpful some of these questions could really be to us...'

Concerned, Dib decided to offer to get Zim a quick snack if he didn't calm down soon. Knowing Zim, that would make everything better.

"Does he eat a lot of meat?" Melody questioned Dib, tapping the end of her pen against her chin.

"Actually, he can't." The counselor looked up as though mildly surprised.

"All of the chemicals and grease we put into meat nowdays from processing it makes it poisonous to him. However he's certainly got those instincts."

"Predatorial you mean?"

"He BITES me. All the flipping time!"

Melody's expression grew more serious.

"I seeeee... Anywhere specific?

"Neck and arms mostly, but he doesn't seem to care too much about placement as long as he can get some part of me in his mouth..."

"Dib is chewy!" Zim yelled at random, tired of being ignored, and going back to gnawing on the human's arm, smirking slightly now.

"Does he ever purposefully bite hard enough to draw blood? Any... Shall I call it, 'vampiric' blood sucking or..."

Dib made a face of disgust.

"You have no IDEA..."

"I see..."

Zim rolled his eyes. The human seemed to like that term; 'I see', it was annoying him.

"Would you be able to tell me how bad exactly this usually gets? Has he ever stalked you or tried a little too convincingly to catch and 'eat' you? Games taken too far? Anything he did to anyone else you found out about?"

Dib frowned in thought.

"Probably the most traumatizing would be him trying to fit my head in his mouth and succeeding, apparently he can unhinge his jaw like a snake. Aside from that and leaving bloody teeth and claw marks, nothing absolutely horrible."

Writing down some more notes, the woman nodded before turning to Zim.

"Why do you bite Dib so much Zim?"

Zim made a 'pfft' noise as if Melody had asked him the most stupid question ever. Dib was glad to see Zim was less on edge by now, though it wasn't too comforting that he'd calmed down right when the topic of him biting Dib had been brought up.

"Because he's MINE, and I CAN, and it proves he's mine to everyone else."

"Do you feel like scarring him makes him belong to you more?"

"Yes..."

"Any other reasons?"

"He tastes nice." Zim grinned maniacally. "I like making him squirm- it feels good. Dib makes little squeaky whimpering noises."

Dib's face had gone somewhat red and he cleared his throat in a sort of embarrassment.

"Do you enjoy making him feel pain or fear?"

Zim looked absolutely startled.

"It's not about HURTING him! Zim doesn't want to hurt Dib... Unless Dib is being stupid... Maybe... I dunno. But Zim would not hurt Dib unless he had to. And I will not allow anyone else to hurt Dib either. And it's fun scareing him, but Zim doesn't want him to have a heart attack..."

Melody seemed satisfied with this answer, and told Dib jokingly that she didn't think his life was in much danger. Dib complained quietly that that wasn't funny.

"Anyway, it just seems like something playful, mixed with repressed instincts. It might help his desires to chew on you and dominate prey if you could find him some red meat that's edible to him, he might be lacking some nutrients from it, but I don't think it looks like it could become too serious for you right now. I assume it makes you uncomfortable?"

"'Uncomfortable' is putting it mildly when he's vampire-ing the crap out of my neck-"

"You don't have crap in your neck." Zim interrupted. Dib gave him a short glare.

"But anyway, I can put up with it. I have been so far."

"And you seem to be responding perfectly well for both of your sakes."

Zim smirked and bit down hard on Dib's arm, making the human give a high pitched yelp and pull away. Zim felt the fabric of Dib's trench-cost sleeve pulled out from between his teeth and pouted at the loss of chewy-Dib-arm, turning to examine one of the pillows resting against the arm of the couch.

"Well then, have we addressed everything related to his carnivorism? Do you ever have problems with his diet?"

"HUMAN FOOD IS SICK DOOKIE!"

"Nothing related to me- he generally does any cooking, or we go out somewhere or heat frozen stuff, and we've found plenty of earth foods he can eat."

"I see."

Zim had gotten tired of that phrase.

"You wouldn't see if you were blind. What if Zim stabbed your eyes out, would you still see?"

She smiled, finding that funny, and Dib elbowed Zim lightly, but was also smiling. Zim just grinned darkly.

"Alright then, Dib, I think for now I know enough about Zim, and it's your turn for a background check."

He nodded. "Alright."

"Dib is Zim's!" The Irken shouted at random again, still apparently feeling threatened in that area.

"Oh, yes, actually one last thing for Zim before moving on. Zim, you seem quite violently protective and even possessive over Dib."

"Yes, he's mine."

"He is, and you've told me that many times now. Adding this to your want to cover him in scars, do you feel like your... 'ownership' of him, is threatened easily? Are you worried about something specific, like him becoming attracted to someone else, or leaving you for some reason?"

Zim looked beyond appalled at the very idea, just staring dramatically for a second.

"O-Of course not. He's not stupid enough to try something like that! I'd replace his spleen with a live tuna if he did!"

Dib made a face of nervous disgust.

"Are you worried something might happen to Dib? Or that someone might take him away from you?"

Zim's confident grin faded minutely, and he looked away thoughtfully, before responding with a superior tone,

"Human's are revoltingly fragile. Your lifespans are sickeningly short, and most of you have no respect for each other's property."

He didn't say anything more then that and Melody nodded.

"How does your species treat relationships? Is it very different from humans?"

Zim gave her a very flat, unimpressed look.

"It's completely illegal."

She seemed to pause on that, before smoothly questioning, "Do you ever feel that you or Dib are in danger because of that?"

Zim thought for a moment, then scoffed, appearing unhappy on many levels that he'd prefer not to discuss, uncomfortable.

"Zim would not let anything happen to Dib, and nothing can destroy Zim. Besides, I am in a situation with my empire where... I doubt they will bother to care about my business..."

"I see."

"Stop seeing!" Zim snapped, pointing an accusing finger.

"Sorry." She smiled and shrugged. "Speech habit."

Zim snarled again, threateningly, and sat back crossing his arms, sure that the only reason she bothered to apologize was to keep him comfortable for more questioning.

A timer beeped, and the human looked down at her watch and made a disappointed face.

"I've got another appointment soon, so that'll be all for today, but I'll see you two again on the next scheduled appointment, sound good? Any questions?"

"Don't touch my Dib."

"I won't, promise." Chuckling, she nodded as Dib stood and said goodbye, as Zim grabbed his arm to forcefully drag him out the door with him.

Yeah, as much as he adored Zim, it was probably good they were seeing someone for help. He didn't want them to fall apart after all. He loved Zim too much... He just wanted to resolve a few issues that were making him feel more used then really loved.


End file.
